To the boy who loved me

To the boy who loved me:

This is a letter you will probably never read. Not because it's a secret, but because I'm afraid of losing you. And you hate mushy stuff. You are way too important to me for me to ever do anything and sassy to take me seriously. I trust you. I can literally talk to you about everything whether it be normal or completely idiotic. You might make fun of me but you still listen to me.

Long story short, I love you. I catch myself just sitting and thinking about you. Again I know you hate stuff like this, so you'll never know this exists. But I fucking love you. You make me laugh. You listen to me, and back when I told you about my dreams of going to Ireland you seemed in awe of me. I always wanted to be the person everyone admired and you made me feel like what I wanted was right. You let me call you in the middle of the night when I would have panic attacks or when I'd just be scared of everything around me, and I could hear your voice. Sometimes I'd lie to you and tell you I wasn't home yet just so you would keep talking and I could hear your voice. You always want the best for me, even when I don't. You're not afraid to tell me the way people treat me and the way I treat me is wrong. You care about my heart, and no one ever has before. You told me once it's not okay that I'm okay with being hurt. That that needs to stop. And that was one of the moments where I felt ashamed because I cared nothing about myself. I felt uncomfortable because I was raw. I told you something and you pinned exactly what to say to that crevice of my heart. You have such high standards for me and I'm terrified that I won't be able to uphold them for you. You want me to be a good person and you've never thought I couldn't be. Unfortunately whenever you text me I get this stupid feeling that makes me smile and cringe and it's all really stupid, I know. But you, you make me happier. I act out sometimes just to see if you'll say something. I'm sorry but you picked a stupid girl who craves your attention.

I'm terrified that you don't feel about me the same way I feel about you. When anything happens I want to talk to you. When I leave after seeing you, my heart hurts because I feel like I wasted the time. Like I didn't get to say everything when in reality I usually say more than I should. When you smile at me there are times I can see you are truly happy, and I pray it's because of me. I try to make you laugh; and the funny thing, ha ha, is you find me funny when I'm not even trying. My little blonde moments or 23 jokes or my hatred of pink crack you up and seeing you happy makes me smile. I try to be everything you are to me for you, but I feel like that's impossible because you do everything and I know I'm not capable.

To be honest, I've been fighting this for the longest time and still am. I never thought we'd be a thing. I still don't think we'll be a thing. Everyone for months, maybe years if you ever read this, but you won't; teased me about us. Apparently our manager called it as soon as you were hired. That's why he didn't like you, because he didn't like me. My best friend just got annoying when she would tell everyone, literally everyone, and their mother we were a thing. And your best friend on occasion, when he'd make comments or "aww" at us. I make up these excuses anytime somebody would suggest we were a thing, like I'm too tall or we'd kill each other or he's too arrogant. When really none of that matters. When it got to the heart of it all, I never thought I was good enough for you. I never thought I mattered enough to be with you. You are the sweetest guy I know who likes to hide it under his dead pan humor and his complete apathy illusion. And since you're never going to read this, whenever you told me you'd 'throw me' whenever I teased you, it secretly turned me on.  You say you don't care. And yet I have this nagging suspicion that you care more than anyone in this world when it comes to important matters like your family. And I pray to God you care about me even half of that, because I know it would mean I'd be forever safe.

I have always been dead set that you hate me. David would tell me you loved me more than anything. I kept begging him for proof that you cared about me but he could come up with nothing. But I figured it out, you, you don't show love that way. Its the little things you do for me and try to make me notice. Like hanging out with me every night until 2am, which yes doesn't seem like such a little thing now that I say it but I'm not very observant, or randomly taking me to Starbucks, or planning a surprise party for me, or including me back in high school, or pushing me to do what's best for me. I think you've always cared about me; it may not be in the way I expected, but you have.

And I wish I returned it. I wish all this time as you've done stuff for me, I've done stuff for you. I only know how to show love two ways: physical touch and gifts. And you don't like either of those. There have been so many times where I have wished I could just... lay my head on your shoulder, or rub your back when you're stressed, or just kiss you when you tease me or argue with me. I buy you your venti hot soy chais and your iPod and duct tape because I love you. And I literally have no other tangible way to show you.

I suck at being a friend. I'm rude, and fake, and don't give a crap a lot of times; which is another reason I could see us never being a thing. You are my best friend; but if I suck at being your best friend how could I possibly be your girlfriend?

I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to go off and become a music teacher and go to Trinity bible college. I would miss you like hell, and I can guarantee I'd be jealous of any girl who posted about you on Facebook, but I want what's best for you.

I think the main reason I never want you to get this letter is because I've never cared about someone this much. And I know everyone says that, but in this situation, in this moment, I can say it and mean it. I've never thought this long and hard about someone before. Yea I've written guys creepy love letters before, but I've always the balls to give it to them. But in this case, hell no. You've always pushed me to be more aggressive, but I'm a coward. I always have been. I've tried to be brave. I've tried to justify things by saying I don't want to be stupid in my daringness, but justification is just a type of cowardice where you can't even face yourself. I love you. I genuinely do. I wish I could tell you, more than anything in this world. But this is one part of my heart you don't own yet. You tell me all the time you're not ready for a girlfriend, and I'm sorry everyone is pressuring you to date me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not patient or brave or strong or smart. I want to be for you, but I'm so fucked up I can't. I'm too much of a coward. I'm petrified of being alone that's why everyone is shoving you towards me. If I loved you, none of that would happen. You would be happy and you wouldn't know about me loving you, because you would be the focus. I'm still learning how to love selflessly, because so far all of this has been for me, and I don't want to be selfish. I want to show you love; because I am falling for you, hard. You have loved me even without realizing it.

And now that I've written all this, I can't even come up with a conclusion.

10.04.12 -Verse of the Day: Being Salt

I hate pepper.
I always have.
Probably always will.
I always thought it was the worst thing in the entire world. It had a weird taste, appearance, and name. Pepper. That is just a really weird word. I remember my parents would always convince me it wasn't that bad. But I was a stubborn child. I had made up my mind, this was stuff wasn't normal and therefore did not belong on my food. Now pepper's counterpart I had different feelings for.

Ever since I was little, I loved salt. I used to eat it out of the little packages they had at Wendy's whenever I could. I now realize that was gross, like really gross; like I probably won't eat salt for the rest of the day because I reminded myself of that. Thanks Bethany, way to go! (insert cheesy sarcastic smile here). 

Anyways, while growing up and attending Sunday School, I would always hear the phrases, "We are the light of the world" or "We are the salt of the earth". Now these phrases always confused me, especially the one about salt. In fact, I remember giggling during a service once because the pastor kept calling everyone salt. That was like calling everyone barbecue sauce in my mind, it was hilarious. Why would he do that? How on earth are we salt?

I never really knew the answer to that question until probably the towards the end of middle school. Over the years, I have learned that different verses in the Bible can mean different things in general and to different people. It all depends on the person's perspective. For someone who has been saved all their life, John 3:16 may not have that big of an impact on them anymore. They have heard that verse probably over a thousand times. They know they're saved and want to move on. However, for someone who just was saved or knows nothing about salvation, the verse that promises eternal life to those who believe in Him could be the best news they have ever heard in their life. This verse could be promising them eternity and leading them to what God has their life. It could lead them to his love, which is the most powerful thing in the universe. 

The power of perspective plays a huge role in everyone's lives whether they are Christians or not. Perspective opens our eyes to things we never thought we would ever or could ever see or believe. Recently I heard a couple other perspectives on the verse about being salt to the world which I would like to share with you.

So the other day I was reading out of one of my favorite books "Do Hard Things" by Alex and Brett Harris. I was about half way through when I got to this part in the book and I just thought it was really cool.

"When we think about salt, our first thought is probably something along the lines of, Gotta have some of that on my popcorn. But Jesus isn't talking about salt like we use it today. Although salt was used to flavor food during the Roman era, it's primary use was as a preservative. in a world without refrigerators or deep freezers, a little salt rubbed into meat would slow decay.

          So when Jesus tells us we are "the salt of the earth", he's saying we have been placed here to preserve it until he returns-to fight against the decay of sin, to combat sickness and suffering, and to oppose corruption and injustice." -Do Hard Things

Most of us Christians know the verse this was referring to, Matthew 5:13-16. It goes like this,

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? it is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

 Now I think this is really cool, just saying. A lot of people think that being 'the salt of the earth' means that we are to be the flavor of Christ on earth and that people will eventually come to His kingdom if we are continually seasoning the earth with Christ's truth (I probably didn't phrase that the way it should have been, but oh well. I hope you understand what its saying). Both explanations of this verse makes since to me, which just proves the point that verses can have different meanings and God meant for them to have so many different purposes.

Honestly, I think both perspectives kinda lead to the same conclusion. One says we are preserving the earth until Jesus returns, which we are. The other says that we are to flavor the earth with Christ's truth which we are since we're living here everyday with Christ inside of us. But if you think about it, they both imply being a representation of Christ. I know, I've said this before, but as a reminder (in case you forgot), each and every one of us was made in God's image. Voila, representation of Christ #1. Next, when we accept Christ in to our hearts, He is now living inside of us. So he is living inside you, and you were made in his image. So he's living in his own image. Ain't that cool? That was representation #2.

So I guess to sum all this up, God wants us to be his salt and light to the world. And we may not know exactly how to do that or we may feel like we could never be a good example because we're too much of a bad person to be salt and light and to help other people. But I do know, that if you cry out to God. He will hear you. He will always be with you. If you need help, he will provide it. All you need do, is seek him. If you feel unworthy or think you are a bad person, cry out to him and seek him. If you think, you are a good person and this post didn't really apply to you, cry out and seek God anyways. He will always be there for you. He will never leave your side. Now will you be the light of the world with me? Will you be the salt to the earth with me?



Ps. I still hate pepper for all who were wondering.

10.02.12 - Verse of the Day

So today during my devotions a certain verse popped out at me, and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about when I say it popped out at me. It was Isaiah 8:18.

"Here am I, and the children the Lord has given me. We are signs and symbols in Israel from the Lord Almighty, who dwells on Mount Zion."

I just thought this verse was cool because it says that the children of Isaiah or the speaker are signs and symbols to Israel from the Lord. And I think this verse applies to us today because we are the 'symbols' or representations of Christ in this society.  Even if you haven't accepted Christ, he still made you in his image so you are still representing God by being his handiwork, and for those who have accepted Christ into your heart you are to be an example to those around you in the way you act and make decisions. Every second you have lived being saved, is being watched for eternity. Angels and demons are watching in anticipation to see what you will do next. Your life, your testimony is amazing to them. You have the ability to be tempted, to think, and to choose. You choose everyday how your life is going to go, and those little choices will effect eternity for yourself and those around you.

I've noticed even in my own life, that I am being watched constantly by kids at school, wanting to see how I the Christian am going to act. they are waiting for me to slip up. And honestly, it's hard sometimes. I find myself complaining a lot that I don't like being the example. I don't like having everyone watch me, especially if I think I'm going to fail. I don't think I'm a good representation of Christ. I obsess over things. I tell lies sometimes. I'm a jerk. I'm mean sometimes. I talk back. I really am an awful person. And all these people are watching me looking for those flaws.

But that's a good thing. They look for a higher standard, and therefore I am held to a higher standard. I don't like it but I know that God will work through me. He'll show them that you don't have to be perfect, he will take anyone who calls on him and is willing to follow him. He is working on me, and is getting rid of the ugly, crusty, sinful life I had.

Now I will never be good enough to be an example of Christ to those around me on my own. I know that God needs to be the only one shining, ever. I don't matter. My inequities don't matter. God is inside me. I am a mostly willing vessel, and he is going to use me for his Kingdom.

The Guy Story :)

So recently God did a miraculous healing of Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis in me but that's really long and on Facebook so I'll share a guy/relationship testimony which we all love to hear about, right?

Soooo....there was this guy, and he was kinda cute but really sweet at first and still kinda is. But anyways he and I became really good friends really quickly. He and I soon began exchanging phrases such "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," and "I never want to lose you." It came to the point where I realized I loved him. We texted each other and spent time together constantly. We soon mutually decided that we weren't ready for a relationship even though a lot of people thought we were already in one. We were both still emotionally attached and our feelings grew, or so I though. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to tell him how I felt. I sent a risky text saying, "I .... you, soldier." I was so scared. I was scared he didn't feel the same way about me. To my surprise he later responded with, "I know, I .... you, too." We were speeding towards each other. He continued to remind me 'we' weren't ready for a relationship, that we were just best friends, for now, that we would wait for each other. Though we continued to tell each other how we missed one another, etc. I began to realize that I was addicted to him. The whole time I'd known him, I'd been praying for wisdom however it didn't seem like I had gotten any. (Yes, I know 'gotten' isn't a real word.)

One night I went to the Awaken Conference with my best friend, Briel; unexpectant that God was going to do anything. I thought my life was fine the way it was. Honestly, I thought life was great! I loved having this boy love me. I had it all now. A BFF (Briel), a savior, a boy, a loving family, an awesome youth group, a working car, and a decent school. At the conference, I realized I was at a stand still with God, everything was perfect. I didn't have a desire for God, because I already had him. He was just always there.

 I didn't want to let go of this guy though. Now I had realized the problem but I didn't want to do what I knew I had probably had to do. At this point I was in a Student Leadership program at my church that specifically said we were to fast all current and not to pursue any relationships of that sort, so I knew I couldn't date him anyway. It was horrible! I knew nothing would happen, but I desired with ALL my heart that something WOULD happen. After much persistence by God, I finally relented that night. I realized how important God was to me, how important  eternity was. I decided to choose God as my top priority. This boy hadn't died for my salvation (though at the time he would've told me he would if he could.) I finally reluctantly told God this situation was in his hands and that he could do what he wanted.

Now here's the thing, when you say something like that to God, he might just take you seriously, and man, did he ever now.

In fact, within just a few hours.

I was on my way home when I got a text from Marea (my other BFF) that this boy had posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship. Marea and I were both rightfully (is that a word?) confused. I didn't tell her that though. At first I had hoped that he had asked me to be his girlfriend over Facebook. I know, dumb assumption. Who does that? Well, in this case, not him. Next, I thought he said he was in a relationship because he was in one with Jesus like all the young christian hipsters say.

So I texted him. I simply asked if I could call him when I got home. I didn't ask him at all about the Facebook thing via text. You should also probably know it was 11:30 at night when I asked him, so it was a slim chance anyway to talk to him that night, but what's wrong with asking right? He asked me if I meant right now and I said once I got to my house.

Now I don't really have a great memory of what happened but I'm gonna try my best to tell ya as accurately as I can.

So I got in my house, snuck the house phone to my room, and proceeded to call him. I don't know why, but I started shaking really badly once I started dialing. He picked up.

(ooh highliter!!!!)
Him: Hey, What's up?
Me: I was just wondering if it was true. Marea told me about it, but I want to hear it from you. So is it true?
Him: Yeah it is. Bethany, I told you I wasn't wanting a relationship. I just want to be good friends. Can we still be friends? Are you ok?
Me: Yeah, of course. And yeah, I'm ok. I just wanted to know.
Him: Are you sure? You don't sound ok...
Me: Well it doesn't matter if I'm ok or not--
Him: Bethany! Yes it does! It matters to me.
Me: Ok, well, oh well.
Him: [sigh]...Bethany...
Me: Look, it honestly doesn't matter how I am. Are you ok? You're talking really strange.
Him: Yeah I'm fine, I'm just trying to not wake anyone up.
Me: Ok. Well, I should probable go to bed soon.
Him: Ok, but could you do something for me?
Me: Yeah, sure, what?
Him: Pray for me? I've been getting a lot of hate email from this.
Me: Yeah of course.
Him: Ok thanks.
Me: Well, good night, sleep well.
Him: Good night Bethany. Sleep well.
Me: Bye.
Him: Bye

Then I waited for him to hang up. I listened to hear him hang up first, which he did.
I sat there for a second, in complete shock.
I then immediately called my current small group leader, Megan Lowe, but she didn't answer. So I called Beth Petillo, another youth leader. We talked for an hour. It kinda helped. I had to tell her everything since I met him, which was really hard. I was reliving what happened over the past four months in 20 minutes. It was good though. She prayed for me and then said she had to go. (I now realize it was her anniversary night. So I do feel kinda bad.) I again just sat there in shock. I decided I probably should hang up the phone now. So I began my trek to the kitchen. Upon standing however I almost collapsed to the floor. It was a like a freight train had hit me. My feet hurt so bad. My legs were jell-o. (Yes, I know, cliche, but it's true). I shook like I was having a seizure I was that much in shock. I finally regained my balance and composure, temporarily. I stumbled back up to me room. It was nearly 1am now. I was so dumbfounded. I just sat there for 10 minutes. Just staring at my wall, no thought in my head.

I decided to go on Facebook (THAT RIGHT THERE WAS ONE OF THE MOST STUPID THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE.) There I saw the dreaded post Marea had told me about. This destroyed me. I then got a notification that Megan Lowe had posted in my wall telling me to try again. So I fumbled downstairs for the phone.We also talked for an hour and she prayed for me. We then hung up and I decided that this was all in God's hands again. I guess the whole thing hadn't sunk in yet. I didn't even cry that night when I was alone. I think I was in so much shock.

The next day I woke up early for the second day of the conference. About half way through the day it hit me. I was hurting so bad. How could he have betrayed me? How could he have lied to me? This boy who I had trusted with all my heart, was the first one to have successfully broken it.

At the end of the conference, the closing message was about being God's chosen warrior princess. We may go through struggles but we have to keep fighting and NOT let the enemy win. He can not have the victory, it's just not possible. Sorry. So at the end, the speaker asked us to come forward and rejoin God's army, and pick up our swords and fight.

Now this whole thing sounds so much easier and cheesier in words, but at the speed everything was happening, I'm surprised I didn't pass out from the amount of emotions pumping through me. This sounds like a Christian fairytale, yes I know. It sounds to good to be. Everything seemed like a daze to me those days. This did happen though, and honestly it was not fun.

It was not easy to go forward but for some reason I did, which is why I'm here today. I chose to keep fighting, which a lot of people especially myself will never understand. But I chose to keep fighting, and me telling you this story is a way of fighting. This testimony will effect you somehow. I know. See it as me recruiting the troops. Encouraging them.  I want you guys to keep fighting no matter how hard it gets, and believe me its hard to keep fighting. But eventually you realize what you're feeling may hurt but it doesn't matter. I think sometimes we feel certain emotions so that we'll get distracted. We feel hurt because somehow we were wronged. Someone hurt US. But once you stop caring about yourself and start thinking about the rest of eternity, that hurt and pain and rejection you feel or felt will slowly fade. It won't matter because it won't last. In heaven, it is said that there will be no sickness, pain, suffering, or worry. Everything will be perfect.

So whatever you are facing, God will help you through it if you'll just let him. It may not end today though, that's not what I'm saying. You are going through this for a reason and you may not see that reason yet, but when you do whether it be here on earth or when you finally go to heaven you will be amazed at how your puzzle piece fit into this giant puzzle perfectly. I can promise that God will do nothing to harm you. He will bring beauty from ashes sometime in your life. You will make it through this struggle. He can always see the way this will end even though you can't. You are not in this alone. You will never be alone. He is always with you.

Are we to rise up?

At this 10:30am, Gwen Wilkerson passed away. She is the mother of the head pastor of my church and married to David Wilkerson who also recently passed away in April of 2011. I can't imagine how hard this must be for our head Pastor Gary Wilkerson and his family. My deepest condolences go out to his family.

Her recent passing away reminded me of when another great man of God, Pastor Adam Taylor passed away as well back in May of this year. So many of our great leaders in this battle of the faith are passing away in these recent years.

It makes me wonder if it will soon be our time as the next generation to rise up to their position and take on the responsibility of saving the lost that we were made to take. All these leaders are known around the country and the world for their faith, but what are we known for? Many adults think of us teens as the generation that is simply technology driven, always wanting the newest and best thing, and is that what we want to be known for? 

Recently, my hometown of Colorado Springs just experienced one of the worst forest fires we have ever experienced. The city was covered in smoke, and everyone was terrified of having to evacuate and what would become of our beloved Rocky Mountains. However, through this several of my friends and I learned and rediscovered certain gifts that God was giving us. We started praying constantly about the fire. Several teenagers also posted on their facebook accounts of having nightmares for some and visions for others. My friend, Charity Segovia posted this one day:

"Last night I had a dream. The fire was raging and getting close to us, several were evacuating but my friends and I stayed behind to rebuke the fire. No matter what we did, it continued to burn. Then some men in a truck came to take us away (one of whom was an Atheist) and I stood and ordered the fire to leave. All went out but a single white flame - that of the Spirit - and many came to Christ. We then all danced before the Lord to praise Him. Papa, let this be prophetic."

Charity also posted that she received the gift of tongues a few nights later. I looked through my sketchbook later that day, and I don't even think there was a real reason I was. I, then, discovered a drawing I had done back in November. It was a drawing of a princess rising from the ashes that her palace had now become. Everything is broken  and shattered and is crumbling all around her. At the time I didn't know what to draw in the background so I drew our beloved Rocky Mountains. It was based off the scripture verse in Isaiah when it talks about beauty coming from ashes. Now nine months later, our beautiful mountains are burnt. But it is comforting because in the scripture it says beauty will come from ashes. So there will be beauty from these ash covered hills.

Later that night, I went to my youth group as did many students all over the city each going to their own churches. There was also a huge youth conference going on as well. I'm sure other churches around the country were also joining us in prayer. My church also had an adult prayer meeting going on at the same time as our youth prayer meeting that night. So on that Wednesday night there were thousands of Children of God seeking his face for our city and our home. We were truly blessed that night. Towards the end of the night we broke off in to smaller groups and started praying for one another, several of us were praying in tongues. The adults I was later informed were also praying in tongues and as soon as they did, they started to hear a little pounding on our roof. A gentle patter making a beautiful melody on our roof. The rain had begun. Most of the girls ran out to see the beautiful site. It was sprinkling, at our church. Some became discouraged at how low the intensity of the rain was, but I believe that what we saw was simply a sign of what God was and was going to do on our mountains. The next morning the fire was significantly more contained. The rest of the week the weather seemed more cooperative and cooler. This was most definitely a miracle done by God.

It was also amazing to see how all these young people had such great faith in their Lord. The adults seemed so worried, and yet we weren't. It was so cool! This whole things reminds of the verse that says: 

"And in the last days it shall be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;" Acts 2:17

I am so excited to see how God is going to use this generation and how he is blessing so many with his gifts. I, with prophecy, Charity, with visions, and so many others. What do you all think?



**sorry about the weird highlighting issues, I can't seem to get if off this post.**

Guatemala Missions Trip

So as many of you know I went to the beautiful country of Guatemala these past two weeks. It was a phenomenal trip, I loved it! I mainly love just sharing the love of Jesus especially when I get to travel somewhere new. Now I could write a summary of my trip for ya here on this post, but honestly I think that would take that long, so here is a link to the Guatemala blog I made for my trip for this year! www.myguatemala2012.blogspot.com

Also I included my last journal entry from the trip on here as well.

Dia Dios - Day 10
Today we left exotic Guatemala. When I woke up this morning I discovered there were six of us in a 3 person room. Tiffany, Kayla, and Bailey all shared a bed, Tierney and I another, and Holly got the cot. Ugh, I love those girls so much. I'm gonna miss 'em so much! As I said before, nothing is going to be the same as it was here when we get back. I finally looked out our window for the first time a few minutes before we left the hotel. You can see the volcano in the background.

I am so sad to be going home. I don't know what it is about missions trips, but once I'm there I don't want to go back. I feel more alive while I'm gone, happier, filled with purpose. As bad as it sounds, I don't even miss my family while I'm on trips, sometimes my friends, but even then I still feel happy even without them. On this trip, I really learned that God wanted to become my all in all. I didn't realize how much he had blessed with friends and a social life until He pulled me out of it. Fellow team members throughout the trip told me the same thing almost word for word that God wanted to fill me up entirely. He wanted me to rely on him, for everything. Not just physical needs, but also emotional needs. He can be my best friend, my person to talk to when I feel completely alone and abandoned. He wants me to choose to ignore that and seek him. They said that there was a beauty that comes from that. I didn't realize how scared I was to be alone, but the thing is I'll never be alone. I thank him so much for the friends that I did make on this trip, especially Tierney, but I thank God for telling me that I need to let him fill my heart when I feel empty.

I am going to miss this place so much, and the feeling I had while I was here. While I was here, I wasn't afraid of anything. I took "risks" because I knew that God was holding me. I felt more adventurous, more daring, and more free. I went on huge water slides for the first time (without lifeguards) because even though I'm not a very strong swimmer I knew that God was with me and I wasn't going to drown because I hadn't even gone to the villages yet. I went on the river boat without a life vest because I knew that he was again not gonna let me drown. I rode in the back of trucks on the sides and stood up even while they were speeding down roads while holding on to the roof. Yes, there were times when I was scared of certain things like being attacked while walking to the dorm house by myself in the dark, or slipping on a rock in the river (George kindly came over and helped me across to join everyone else). I felt safer there, even though it is most definitely not safer there, I felt that way. I guess on missions trip, you are going in the name of the Lord and you feel safe. You feel fearless. He puts a boldness in your heart; and when I'm here in America, I don't feel that security anymore. Why is that? This is my home, and yet, I feel threatened. I feel fear.

While on this trip, my future was really challenged. Last November while I was at the Awaken Conference, I really felt God told me to become a young girl's counselor. I have gone through a lot, and so have my friends. I love to listen to people and hear their stories, and I love to help people in whatever way I can. And most of all, I love to pray. So I then started looking around, thinking what does God want me to do even though he just told me. I then looked at my youth pastor's wife's life. She's a photographer, graphic designer for our church, and she's married to the youth pastor so she gets to council high school girls and go on missions trips. That job would be perfect for me! That doesn't seem right though, but yet it looks so perfect. If that's not for me, what on earth am I going to be doing in the future? I need to decide on a degree to pursue, but what in? Definitely not Psychology, but if not that, then what? I then talked to Kayla about it. I told her all that, and she told me that I won't know what my future will hold. As I grow older I will look around to see what I'm supposed to do. But we are each a unique puzzle piece, and the way Beth was designed, her job is perfect for her and it may not be perfect for me. We may do similar things but there will be tiny, if not big things that make us different. She won't be able to fit in my place in the puzzle, and I won't be able to fit it in her spot in the puzzle.

Kayla Beene and I

I still don't know what I'm going to be ultimately doing in the future, but I do know that God holds my future. Last December, at a prayer meeting we were having for the villages in the Pinalito Mountains in Guatemala, God told me I was going to go to Guatemala this year, instead of Ireland. I didn't think that it was him and that I would still go to Ireland, but he then drew my heart to Guatemala. And after going, I know he was right. I was supposed to go. I don't regret going to Guatemala even though my friends are all preparing for Ireland. I will simply be glad in what God has planned for me to do, and know that this part of the puzzle is for my friends to fill this year. Who knows, I may be the one leading a prayer meeting for the Ireland team while they're gone. Also at the prayer meeting back in December, God continued to tell me that I was going to go to other countries during my high school years and return to Ireland when I graduate for an internship. Now these plans may change, I don't know exactly what's going to happen. But I'm going to follow this plan, for as long as he wants me to and then follow wherever he leads next. 

I'd like to thank everyone who supported me on this trip, it was amazing! I am so excited to see how God is going to use me in the years to come, especially on future missions trips! Thank you all so much again!

JRA Testimony

Short Testimony of a recent miracle in my life :)

          A few days after the last day of school, I went to my doctor and he diagnosed me with Juvenille Rheumatoid Arthritis (I don't think I spelled that right). Anyways, this was a shock to us but it made perfect sense with what had been happening at the time. 

          During this time, I had been preparing for my first missions trip to Cork, Ireland, and I believe this was a way the enemy was trying to keep me from going.

           So my doctor prescribed me with an excessive amount of Ibuprofen which eventually messed up my system, leaving me in nights of agony and sickness which happened at least once a week. Because of this, I began to refuse to eat and became Anemic, which means I was iron deficient. This added more medication to the list that I already had to take in order "to get better".

          My missions trip was drawing closer, and I was becoming nervous that I wouldn't be able to go. I continually asked youth leaders to pray for me, but nothing was working. The Tuesday before I was supposed to leave I became severely sick again, and this was four days before my trip. My dad finally said that if I became sick one more time, I wouldn't be allowed to go. I was terrified.

           Thankfully, I didn't get sick before we left. I brought various wraps and braces and medications with me just in case something decided to hinder me. The days quickly passed. On the third day of our trip, one girl on our team hurt her knee while doing a skit, and I loaned her my brace. She wore it for the rest of our trip.

I did get sick on one night of our trip and was then told to stay at the middle house for the day, but this was good. I ended up reading the book of Song of Songs, which honestly I had been avoiding, but God was talking to me that day through that book. I spent the whole day in his presence then joined the rest of my team at the youth rally in the evening. God blessed me with a day of rest in the middle of the week after my busyness of helping at a VBS the days before. God protected me.

          After that I was fine for the rest of my missions trip. However, the day after I returned from this trip I left for my family vacation. We drove for two long days to the Western Coast. The moment I walked into my grandparent's home I was hit with sickness. Most of the time I was there, I laid in the guest room nauseous or asleep. I now had to be a testimony to my grandpa who has several illnesses, I don't think I did a good job of it though.

But anyways after a week I was soon home. The weekends of sickness began again. I was so frustrated. I continued asking for prayer, but healing didn't come.

         Until one night, I went to my youth group's girls group night. We were simply talking about the new covenant, and I noticed that there were 12 girls in that conference room (12 disciples, maybe? random connection I noticed). Anyways, at the end I asked for prayer again along with all the other prayer requests, and we went around the circle and prayed. But during this my friend, Megan Malinaric said she had a vision of all the girls laying hands on me and praying. So they did. My goodness, Those. girls. can. pray. Then Megan made me claim healing. She told me to pray and I did. Then we decided to lay hands on other girls and pray for their requests as well.

        The next day I felt a little sick, but it wasn't at all like it was before. The weeks began to pass. I felt a little nauseous now and then but I was never sick, and I haven't been sick ever since. I still avoid certain things just because I'm still nervous, but I honestly believe I am healed from the medication attacks as I call them. I still may experience some side effects, but I will still believe I Am Healed no matter what happens. Certain events have left me knowing now how to trust blindly and I trust blindly that he healed me. 

        Now, I realize that God allowed me to be diagnosed with JRA so that I would bring my brace for that girl to wear. He allowed it so that I could connect better to another girl staying in my dorm every night when we'd sneak down to take our medication. He allowed it so that I now have more power in my prayers for healing for others, to share my testimony of healing to help other's continue to believe.

I don't know if I'll ever know all the reasons I had and suffered from this but I know that everything is for a purpose, and this had multiple purposes.