Also I included my last journal entry from the trip on here as well.
Dia Dios - Day 10
Today we left exotic Guatemala. When I woke up this morning I discovered there were six of us in a 3 person room. Tiffany, Kayla, and Bailey all shared a bed, Tierney and I another, and Holly got the cot. Ugh, I love those girls so much. I'm gonna miss 'em so much! As I said before, nothing is going to be the same as it was here when we get back. I finally looked out our window for the first time a few minutes before we left the hotel. You can see the volcano in the background.
I am so sad to be going home. I don't know what it is about missions trips, but once I'm there I don't want to go back. I feel more alive while I'm gone, happier, filled with purpose. As bad as it sounds, I don't even miss my family while I'm on trips, sometimes my friends, but even then I still feel happy even without them. On this trip, I really learned that God wanted to become my all in all. I didn't realize how much he had blessed with friends and a social life until He pulled me out of it. Fellow team members throughout the trip told me the same thing almost word for word that God wanted to fill me up entirely. He wanted me to rely on him, for everything. Not just physical needs, but also emotional needs. He can be my best friend, my person to talk to when I feel completely alone and abandoned. He wants me to choose to ignore that and seek him. They said that there was a beauty that comes from that. I didn't realize how scared I was to be alone, but the thing is I'll never be alone. I thank him so much for the friends that I did make on this trip, especially Tierney, but I thank God for telling me that I need to let him fill my heart when I feel empty.
I am going to miss this place so much, and the feeling I had while I was here. While I was here, I wasn't afraid of anything. I took "risks" because I knew that God was holding me. I felt more adventurous, more daring, and more free. I went on huge water slides for the first time (without lifeguards) because even though I'm not a very strong swimmer I knew that God was with me and I wasn't going to drown because I hadn't even gone to the villages yet. I went on the river boat without a life vest because I knew that he was again not gonna let me drown. I rode in the back of trucks on the sides and stood up even while they were speeding down roads while holding on to the roof. Yes, there were times when I was scared of certain things like being attacked while walking to the dorm house by myself in the dark, or slipping on a rock in the river (George kindly came over and helped me across to join everyone else). I felt safer there, even though it is most definitely not safer there, I felt that way. I guess on missions trip, you are going in the name of the Lord and you feel safe. You feel fearless. He puts a boldness in your heart; and when I'm here in America, I don't feel that security anymore. Why is that? This is my home, and yet, I feel threatened. I feel fear.
While on this trip, my future was really challenged. Last November while I was at the Awaken Conference, I really felt God told me to become a young girl's counselor. I have gone through a lot, and so have my friends. I love to listen to people and hear their stories, and I love to help people in whatever way I can. And most of all, I love to pray. So I then started looking around, thinking what does God want me to do even though he just told me. I then looked at my youth pastor's wife's life. She's a photographer, graphic designer for our church, and she's married to the youth pastor so she gets to council high school girls and go on missions trips. That job would be perfect for me! That doesn't seem right though, but yet it looks so perfect. If that's not for me, what on earth am I going to be doing in the future? I need to decide on a degree to pursue, but what in? Definitely not Psychology, but if not that, then what? I then talked to Kayla about it. I told her all that, and she told me that I won't know what my future will hold. As I grow older I will look around to see what I'm supposed to do. But we are each a unique puzzle piece, and the way Beth was designed, her job is perfect for her and it may not be perfect for me. We may do similar things but there will be tiny, if not big things that make us different. She won't be able to fit in my place in the puzzle, and I won't be able to fit it in her spot in the puzzle.
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| Kayla Beene and I |
I still don't know what I'm going to be ultimately doing in the future, but I do know that God holds my future. Last December, at a prayer meeting we were having for the villages in the Pinalito Mountains in Guatemala, God told me I was going to go to Guatemala this year, instead of Ireland. I didn't think that it was him and that I would still go to Ireland, but he then drew my heart to Guatemala. And after going, I know he was right. I was supposed to go. I don't regret going to Guatemala even though my friends are all preparing for Ireland. I will simply be glad in what God has planned for me to do, and know that this part of the puzzle is for my friends to fill this year. Who knows, I may be the one leading a prayer meeting for the Ireland team while they're gone. Also at the prayer meeting back in December, God continued to tell me that I was going to go to other countries during my high school years and return to Ireland when I graduate for an internship. Now these plans may change, I don't know exactly what's going to happen. But I'm going to follow this plan, for as long as he wants me to and then follow wherever he leads next.
I'd like to thank everyone who supported me on this trip, it was amazing! I am so excited to see how God is going to use me in the years to come, especially on future missions trips! Thank you all so much again!
