To the boy who loved me:
This is a letter you will probably never read. Not because it's a secret, but because I'm afraid of losing you. And you hate mushy stuff. You are way too important to me for me to ever do anything and sassy to take me seriously. I trust you. I can literally talk to you about everything whether it be normal or completely idiotic. You might make fun of me but you still listen to me.
Long story short, I love you. I catch myself just sitting and thinking about you. Again I know you hate stuff like this, so you'll never know this exists. But I fucking love you. You make me laugh. You listen to me, and back when I told you about my dreams of going to Ireland you seemed in awe of me. I always wanted to be the person everyone admired and you made me feel like what I wanted was right. You let me call you in the middle of the night when I would have panic attacks or when I'd just be scared of everything around me, and I could hear your voice. Sometimes I'd lie to you and tell you I wasn't home yet just so you would keep talking and I could hear your voice. You always want the best for me, even when I don't. You're not afraid to tell me the way people treat me and the way I treat me is wrong. You care about my heart, and no one ever has before. You told me once it's not okay that I'm okay with being hurt. That that needs to stop. And that was one of the moments where I felt ashamed because I cared nothing about myself. I felt uncomfortable because I was raw. I told you something and you pinned exactly what to say to that crevice of my heart. You have such high standards for me and I'm terrified that I won't be able to uphold them for you. You want me to be a good person and you've never thought I couldn't be. Unfortunately whenever you text me I get this stupid feeling that makes me smile and cringe and it's all really stupid, I know. But you, you make me happier. I act out sometimes just to see if you'll say something. I'm sorry but you picked a stupid girl who craves your attention.
I'm terrified that you don't feel about me the same way I feel about you. When anything happens I want to talk to you. When I leave after seeing you, my heart hurts because I feel like I wasted the time. Like I didn't get to say everything when in reality I usually say more than I should. When you smile at me there are times I can see you are truly happy, and I pray it's because of me. I try to make you laugh; and the funny thing, ha ha, is you find me funny when I'm not even trying. My little blonde moments or 23 jokes or my hatred of pink crack you up and seeing you happy makes me smile. I try to be everything you are to me for you, but I feel like that's impossible because you do everything and I know I'm not capable.
To be honest, I've been fighting this for the longest time and still am. I never thought we'd be a thing. I still don't think we'll be a thing. Everyone for months, maybe years if you ever read this, but you won't; teased me about us. Apparently our manager called it as soon as you were hired. That's why he didn't like you, because he didn't like me. My best friend just got annoying when she would tell everyone, literally everyone, and their mother we were a thing. And your best friend on occasion, when he'd make comments or "aww" at us. I make up these excuses anytime somebody would suggest we were a thing, like I'm too tall or we'd kill each other or he's too arrogant. When really none of that matters. When it got to the heart of it all, I never thought I was good enough for you. I never thought I mattered enough to be with you. You are the sweetest guy I know who likes to hide it under his dead pan humor and his complete apathy illusion. And since you're never going to read this, whenever you told me you'd 'throw me' whenever I teased you, it secretly turned me on. You say you don't care. And yet I have this nagging suspicion that you care more than anyone in this world when it comes to important matters like your family. And I pray to God you care about me even half of that, because I know it would mean I'd be forever safe.
I have always been dead set that you hate me. David would tell me you loved me more than anything. I kept begging him for proof that you cared about me but he could come up with nothing. But I figured it out, you, you don't show love that way. Its the little things you do for me and try to make me notice. Like hanging out with me every night until 2am, which yes doesn't seem like such a little thing now that I say it but I'm not very observant, or randomly taking me to Starbucks, or planning a surprise party for me, or including me back in high school, or pushing me to do what's best for me. I think you've always cared about me; it may not be in the way I expected, but you have.
And I wish I returned it. I wish all this time as you've done stuff for me, I've done stuff for you. I only know how to show love two ways: physical touch and gifts. And you don't like either of those. There have been so many times where I have wished I could just... lay my head on your shoulder, or rub your back when you're stressed, or just kiss you when you tease me or argue with me. I buy you your venti hot soy chais and your iPod and duct tape because I love you. And I literally have no other tangible way to show you.
I suck at being a friend. I'm rude, and fake, and don't give a crap a lot of times; which is another reason I could see us never being a thing. You are my best friend; but if I suck at being your best friend how could I possibly be your girlfriend?
I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to go off and become a music teacher and go to Trinity bible college. I would miss you like hell, and I can guarantee I'd be jealous of any girl who posted about you on Facebook, but I want what's best for you.
I think the main reason I never want you to get this letter is because I've never cared about someone this much. And I know everyone says that, but in this situation, in this moment, I can say it and mean it. I've never thought this long and hard about someone before. Yea I've written guys creepy love letters before, but I've always the balls to give it to them. But in this case, hell no. You've always pushed me to be more aggressive, but I'm a coward. I always have been. I've tried to be brave. I've tried to justify things by saying I don't want to be stupid in my daringness, but justification is just a type of cowardice where you can't even face yourself. I love you. I genuinely do. I wish I could tell you, more than anything in this world. But this is one part of my heart you don't own yet. You tell me all the time you're not ready for a girlfriend, and I'm sorry everyone is pressuring you to date me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not patient or brave or strong or smart. I want to be for you, but I'm so fucked up I can't. I'm too much of a coward. I'm petrified of being alone that's why everyone is shoving you towards me. If I loved you, none of that would happen. You would be happy and you wouldn't know about me loving you, because you would be the focus. I'm still learning how to love selflessly, because so far all of this has been for me, and I don't want to be selfish. I want to show you love; because I am falling for you, hard. You have loved me even without realizing it.
And now that I've written all this, I can't even come up with a conclusion.
